Maggots: 50 or more
Summer rugby began with a trip across the border to beautiful Cranbrook B.C. to play the Rocky Mountain Rogues. At times it appeared we would have as few as ten make the trip and in the end we traveled with 13 plus three "may as well be" wives. It was a pleasure to see Alex show up unexpectedly, especially with his shiny new rosetta tattoo across his heart. His transformation to the dark side is complete. We got another one Jerry Ball!
Pig wrote in his last e-mail about being Dick of the Day. If we had the same honor, it would surely have gone to Rich. For starters, he did not show up at the Oxe and would not answer his phone. Being light on players, the bus committed a near-mortal sin and drove by his house to pick him up. Focker was passed out naked in bed but managed to get his boots and some clothes on in about ten minutes.
Typical beers, bus manuals and music as we headed north. A little uneasiness came over us as we headed toward the border. Not that we had any reason to worry, but the Maggot Bus does not have good history at the border. The outlook quickly brightened as we saw the border cop was an attractive young lady in a flack jacket.
The conversation included the typical question of "do you have any alcohol on board?" and the typical response of "a couple cases of beer." Focker overheard this and, being as sharp as his number 14 jersey would indicate, says "ah we got way more than that! There's a 30-pack right here plus..." Flack Jacket Feline let us through and off we went.
The sunshine, beers, food, and long drive had taken its toll, so we pulled up to the pitch with everybody but the driver sound asleep. As they are prone to do, Tory and Timmeeee rousted everyone and lit a fire under their asses and we hit the pitch.
Cranbrook had a very young side with 9 highschool guys. Their captain was out with an injury and their tight head had to ref. We won pretty decisively. One of their guys scored a try and then had to leave suddenly to go fight a fire. We could hear sirens from town as he ran to the locker room for his rubber boots. Focker played tough guy with high school kids and got kicked out.
The Rogues have had a club house for about 2 years now. It is a small house in a residential neighborhood with a yard for barbecuing. We had a good time there. Alex was named man of the match for the Maggots. We presented Cranbrook a 25th Anniversary Maggot Jersey to hang on the wall of their clubhouse.
After a few hours at the clubhouse we peeled out of the driveway and headed downtown. Had a good time there. Nice hood ornaments in Cranbrook.
The trip home was pretty uneventful. Rich earned Dick of the Day again. The US Border Police was braver than Flack Jacket Jill and asked to come on the bus. He asked for everyone's ID's and asked what we did for a living, etc. When he got to Rich Sondermizer, Rich said "sir, I don't have my ID I forgot it at home." He was leaving the country for a couple days and decided to not bring his ID. When we went on the Carhartts and Plungers tour, Rich didn't bother bringing his ID to the airport and almost missed the plane there. What a focker.
I returned to Missoula from my 20-day tour of the U.S to the good news that the Maggots had one final game to play in Canada before I flew back to Australia. Basically it was another opportunity to get drunk with the boys.
We "bused up" on Saturday morning around 8am, at the usual meeting place. A quick head count and we had 11 Maggots, 2 Betterside, 1 girlfriend &, 1 baby. We toyed with the idea of getting Kelly & Key to pull on the boots but quickly realised that this would only lead to trouble.
So at this point in time we were down 3 players and 15 jerseys. Tex had the jumpers and it was decided that we would pick him up at Kalispell. 12 Maggots, 15 Jerseys. Where's Rich? We rolled the jolly green giant to Rich's house where Bubba knocked the trailer door down and dragged Rich out of bed (this was Rich's first offence). OK 13 Maggots and we are away. We figured we find a few players in Canada. A quick stop at the Conoco for beer, food &, a pack of Trojans (thanks Smoothy I'll take the entire pack, but it's good to see you've learnt your lesson) and we are finally on our way.
We would have been no further than 5 miles out of town when our player shortage problem was solved. We picked up 2 hitchhikers in a 500m distance, and dropped them off a mile later. Number 2 told a bad joke about getting a woman from Nebraska pregnant, and our player shortage again became a concern.
We took our time getting to Canada, a few stops on the way because the funnel & I have some serious issues we need to work out, and we needed more food, beer and, fuel. Also we had to hide the incriminating evidence before we got to the border.
We were greeted at the border by a hottie in a bullet proof vest (nothing sexier than a chick who thinks she might get shot), 12 Americans and 1 Australian, no problems and we are in Canada.
Eventually we made it to Cranbrook and as we were two men short we needed to re-adjust some positional play. We borrowed an old warhorse from the Rogues and we moved Rich to breakaway (MISTAKE NUMBER ONE). Bubba slotted into inside centre and we played with only 14.
The game itself never reached any great heights, and no one really knows the final score, except that we scored lots and they one scored once due to Rich's incompetence to run a simple move that we have run hundred's of times before.
-Bubba scored 5 tries.
-Papa's forearm/fend off to the face of the Rogues fullback.
-Rich's punch that found the head of Bill "The Bull". (That was Rich's second offence)
-Rich getting sent off (Third offence)
-Alex Williams's man of the match performance
After Match conversation about Rich's performance:
"That's the last time Rich wears a jersey where the number is lower than 14". -Chad
"What about 11? It's the other wing." -Tim
"No because it has two one's in it." -Chad
We went back to the Rogues clubhouse for beers & cheers. Chad tried to hook up a local girl with one of the Maggots, but it was decided that we would try our luck in town. We toddled off into town and found a local strip club. And finally after three months I could get some money that had a picture of a live Queen instead of a dead President.
We left the strip club and found another bar. Tex and I decided to get the party started by ripping up the dance floor. Tex started his own version of free styling and I attempted some form of Australian River dance jig. After being told several times by the bouncer to settle down or get out, he designated an area of the dance floor for Tex and I only.
Surfing, fish flops &, slam dancing were the order of the evening and eventually the locals feel in love with the Maggot way of partying. All the while this was happening the Maggots failed to realise that our bus driver Brian Briske was fast becoming the drunkest man in Canada. He retired to the bus for 40 winks. The bars closed and we "bused up". The local law enforcement requested a word with the bus driver. Tory (who was hiding in the Pit) quickly took charge and told the Police that the driver was not on the bus but in the bar. The Police insisted that we find him.
At this point Brian had woken and was toying with the idea that he should own up and tell the Police that he was the driver. After being told to "lay down and shut up" Brian quickly passed out and the Police officer in question did not return.
Tex decided that the gutter was more inviting than the funnel. The female officer saw Tex's pecker, but before she could get him he vanished into the pit. Fortunately a penis identification line up was not necessary. After seeing all that the "freak" had to offer we all snuggled in the pit and awoke early to an already moving bus. Brian had found his second wind and we had begun our journey home.
We arrived at the border crossing. The US Immigration Officer boarded the bus and requested everyone's ID. Just guess who didn't have any????? (4th Offence and Rich is well on his way to Kangaroo Hell!!!)
Rich gave his life story to the Officer who seemed really interested, especially in the smell coming from Rich's arse. After question time was done the Officer turned to Tex and asked: "Is this true?" to which Tex replied: "Yeah it's true...well to the best of my knowledge". "OK you can go".
We returned to a snowy Missoula at the beginning of June. Kangaroo court charges pending: Rich still to face trial without a doubt fukenguilty on all counts. Honourable Judge Tex presiding will be asked to show no mercy in handing down punishment.