Maggot Quotes & Lessons
Every now and then a Maggot learns something new, and these rare lessons deserve to be shared
Rugby Tickets
A man had a ticket for the Rugby World Cup Final but was seated in the upper, nosebleed seats. As the match begins, he notices an empty seat down near the pitch on the midfield line. Taking a chance, he makes his way down to the empty seat and asks the man next to it if anyone is sitting there.
“No”, says the seated man,” That seat is empty.”
“This is incredible,” says the other man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?”
The seated man says “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Rugby Final we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1987”.
“Oh … I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else – a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?”.
The seated man shakes his head. “No. They’re all at the funeral.”
Some deep thoughts from Shecky on each rugby position.
I have been thinking about my role in this life and some of the things that I hold dear. High on that list is the game of rugby. I thought I might share with you a few of my thoughts on the role that each individual part plays that makes up a cohesive rugby team. While some of you may disagree with the message, I feel it is important to share with you all the knowledge that I have gained in my years of playing rugby.
Front Row – Without a doubt the manliest men on the pitch. Large, often hairy, beer swilling carnivores that can and will smash anything in their path. Reveling in the violence inherent in the scrum, they are rarely considered “nice” people, and in fact to some they aren’t even considered human at all. This attitude is tolerated by front rowers far and wide because they recognize their role at the top of the food chain and are used to suffering the fools that surround them. Accused by some of simply being dumb, I prefer to think of this group as “open to unconventional ways of thinking”.
Locks – Slightly below the front row on the food chain. As with front row players, it is inadvisable to put an appendage you wish to keep near this group’s mouth when they are in the feeding mode. This group of large, often foul-smelling brutes is also more than willing to relish the finer points of stomping on a fallen opponent’s body and will gleefully recount the tale ad infinitum. While they tend to take the tag “Powerhouse of the Scrum” a little too seriously, they can be useful if inured with the proper hatred of their fellow man. While members of this proud fraternity like to think of themselves as “open to unconventional ways of thinking” – they are usually just dumb.
Back Row #’s 6, 7 & 8 – These are fine fit fellows who are confused as to what their role in life should be. While they know they are undeniably linked to the forwards, there are those among them who long for the perfect hair and long flowing gowns that come with being a back. Some relish the forward role and will do anything to win the ball and there are others within this group that will break the prime directive of the forward and do anything to prance foolishly with the ball. Generally, these guys are not all bad, but I, personally, have to wonder about any forward who brings a hairbrush and a change of clothes to a game.
Scrum Half – Some like to think of this back as an honorary forward. I tend to think of the #9 as half a fag. While this position is almost always filled by the toughest back, this idea is almost laughable – kind of like the hottest ugly chick. The scrum half’s presence is tolerated by the forwards because they know that he will spin the ball to the rest of the girls in the backline who will inevitably knock the ball on and allow them the pleasure of another scrum. The #9 can take pride in the fact that he is the lowest numbered back and that as such he can be considered almost worthwhile.
Fly Half – Primary role is the leader of the backs – a dubious honor at best. Main responsibilities as far as I can tell is ability to throw the ball over people’s heads and to provide something soft for opposing back rowers to land on. Expected to direct the prancing of the rest of the backline – the fly half, like any good Broadway choreographer, is usually gay. While some may argue that these girls must be protected, I find it hard to support anyone whose foot touches a rugby ball on purpose.
Centers – Usually come in two varieties – hard charger or flitting fairy. The hard charger is the one to acquire as he will announce his presence in a game with the authority rarely found above #8. The flitting fairy is regrettably more common and will usually attempt to avoid contact at all costs. The flitting fairy is also only one good smack away from bursting into tears and leaving the pitch to cry on the shoulder of his inevitable girlfriend. Both types will have extensive collections of hair care products in their kit bags and will be among the best dressed at the post-game festivities.
Back Three – While some people refer to this group as 2 wingers and a fullback, I swear to God I can’t make out any difference between them. They are all fucking homos if you ask me. How these three guys can play 90 minutes of RUGBY and stay clean and sweat free is beyond me. I know for a fact that their jerseys sometimes go back in the bag cleaner than when they came out. These ladies are fond of sayings like “Speed Kills” and “Wheels Win”, how cute. These guys will be easy to spot after the game because they are the finely coifed, sweater wearin’, wine sippin’, sweet talkin’ homos in the corner avoiding the beer swilling at the bar. On the whole, I really don’t mind this group because in the end, they sure are “purty” to look at.
Shecky’s Mantra:
The lower the number – the better the man
Beer is always a popular topic around here.
Maggot Proverb: Two kinds of beer: free and cheap!
A Wee Prayer
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home as I am in the tavern,
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,
Barmen
Beer Troubleshooting
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training, make dog’s owner buy you a beer.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.
FAULT: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
SYMPTOM: Bed unusually hard, and full of trash and cold water.
FAULT: You slept in the gutter again.
ACTION: Treat yourself to a sleep-in until the bars open again.
Beer Logic Rulez
Here’s logic at it’s very best…………
A herd of buffalos can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills the slowest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you feel smarter after a few beers.
Alcohol Philosophy
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. –Homer Simpson
Sometimes too much drink is barely enough.–Mark Twain
You can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning. –Tex Gillette
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. –Anonymous
Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, “It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.–Babe Ruth
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.–Ogden Nash
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. –Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober. –William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. –Ernest Hemingway
I work until beer o’clock. –Steven King
To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a “support group.” Salvation in a can! — Leo Durocher
You can never buy beer; you just rent it. –Archie Bunker
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. –Ernest Hemingway
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. –Dean Martin
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can’t say it. –Anonymous
No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness – or as good as drink. –G.K. Chesterton
Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time. –Catherine Zandonella
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. –Ambrose Bierce
Why don’t we get drunk and screw? –Jimmy Buffett
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. –Anonymous
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truely gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls. –Ross Levy
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her. –Anonymous
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? –W.C. Fields
Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder. –Anonymous
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. –David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking classes. –Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. –Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. — Michelle Mastrolacasa
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. –Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? –Stephen Wright
Bad men live that they may eat and drink, whereas good men eat and drink that they may live. — Socrates
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let’s all get drunk, and go to heaven… — Brian O’Rourke
No soldier can fight unless he is properly fed on beef and beer. — Duke of Marlbourough
You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline – it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. –Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. –Winston Churchill
What two ideas are more inseparable than beer and Britannia? What event more awfully important to an English colony than the erection of its first brewhouse? — Sidney Smith, 1771-1845
He was a wise man who invented beer. –Plato
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. –Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. –Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. –Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. –Humphrey Bogart
I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on. –Oscar Levant
A quart of Ale is a dish for a King. — Shakespeare, A Winter’s Tale
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. –David Moulton
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. –Kaiser Wilhelm
The church is near but the road is icy. The bar is far, but I will walk carefully. –Russian Proverb
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. –Dave Barry
I drink to make other people interesting. –George Jean Nathan
A woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you’d step over your own mother just to get one. –Homer Simpson
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
I’m an occasional drinker…..pretty much any occasion will do! Otto
That made me thirsty!