Missoula All-Maggots Rugby Club Rugby as it should be. Since 1976
Maggot Legacy Page
Welcome to selected content from the Maggots Legacy webpage, first developed in 1995.
“Frontpage? We don’t need no stinkin’ Frontpage programs!”
The Maggot Page was written from scratch with a miniscule amount of knowledge and a lot of plagiarism and trial ‘n’ error by Doc, with help from Li’l John and Otto.
WARNING: times were different back then and some folks may find some of this content offensive
Maggot Rugby Frequently Asked Questions
1. What is the object of rugby?
A. Run as little as possible, make spectacular tackles right in front of the female spectators, always be in the right spot to catch a pass for the winning try, then drink beer.
2. How do you score in rugby?
A. Try by day, score by night.
3. How many people are on each team?
A. It takes fifteen to play, but only eight to win.
4. Isn’t rugby like American football without pads?
A. Although gridiron is a bastard child of rugby, the two games are very different from each other. Without a helmet, the head makes a poor weapon (note: some of the poofters at the IRB are trying to change this!). As a result, there are far fewer injuries in rugby than in football. In rugby, even the fat boys run 5-7 miles per game, so your average prop is in far better shape that an NFL offensive lineman.
5. How come you party after rugby games?
A. The sport is built around camaraderie, and the post-game party is a good way to relax and get to know your opponents in a friendly way. Let all the antagonism go and have a few beers with the guys you were just stamping on.
6. Is it more important to have a good time or play lots of rugby at Maggotfest?
A. Both
7. What are the three main things a rugby team needs to remember to win the game?
A. Possession. Possession. Possession.
8. Isn’t there a fourth important point to remember?
A. Yes. Don’t get caught!
9. Is it true that the U of Montana Jesters are a lousy, second-rate rugby team?
A. This is false. They a very good, second-rate team.
10. How come so many women love horses, which are big and dirty and smelly and stupid and go to the bathroom all over the place, and yet women are highly critical when men exhibit these same qualities?
A. This question has plagued men who play in the scrum since the beginning of time. I sure wish I knew the answer!
The Maggot Rugby IQ Test
Now that we’ve answered some of your questions about rugby, let’s see what you know about the sport. Take the Maggot Rugby IQ Test and see if you understand the game the way we do!
The Ten Commandments of Rugby
Feel free to hang them on the wall of your clubhouse, bar, county courthouse, etc.
1. Thou shalt not hesitate at the breakdown, but be mighty in the seizing of your rightful ball; for though it is written that the meek shall inherit the earth, this is in truth but a poor translation. The meek shall be trampled into the dirt is more to the point.
2. Thou shalt not speak profanely of the Whistler, nor question the purity of his birth, even though he be blind to the transgressions of the evildoers among thine enemies at the ruck and the maul, and whistleth them not.
3. Thou shalt not smite thine enemies with a clenched fist, yeah, even in retaliation; for it is written that the Whistler and the Flag Waver shall assuredly be blinded to the coward which delivereth the first punch, only to see that which avengeth it second. Believeth thou then that what goeth round it shall surely come to pass again, and verily, in the fullness of time, the evil among men shall surely be found at the bottom of the ruck.
4. Thou shalt not kiss thy teammate on the mouth, even when he hath scored; for such is an abomination unto the IRB, especially he that kisseth in tongues, unless it cometh to pass that thou shouldst play with the circular balls, for then it is truly expected of thee.
5. Thou shalt not take the Word of the Lord thy Coach in vain, for blessed is the Word of that Lord. Verily, thou shalt wonder at His mighty wisdom and sticketh thou then to His Game Plan lest He acquainteth thee with these of his disciples who labour in the lower grades.
6. Thou shalt not chip nor kick for touch if thou be numbered amongst the props or if thou wear any jersey below that of the number 9; for this is an abomination unto the Word of the Lord thy Coach, and surely shalt thy soul and thy body be His at training, perhaps in everlasting pain.
7. Thou shalt not run across the field with the ball in hand, but see that thou runneth straight ahead upfield; for it is written in the Word of the Lord thy Coach that the touchline is the best defender.
8. Thou shalt not kick the ball to the hands of thine enemies unless first thou maketh it to bounce; for then the Spirit of the Bounce of the Ball shall bring confusion among them, and if thy heart be pure, shall command that it bounceth back unto you.
9. Thou shalt not pass the ball to a brother thy team-mate about to be smashed by thine enemies, unless it be known to all men that he oweth you money, or hath porked someone dear to your heart, in which case all shall be forgiven and then, verily, thou mayest pass to him right slowly and on high.
10. Thou shalt not vomit upon the brethren of thy team after the game, nay even though thou hast partaken rightfully of the waters of Guinness or of the entrails of pigs in a pie or of the beans which baketh right slowly in an earthen crock, for this shall be deemed unmanly in the eyes of thy brethren, and they mayest do it unto you.
(a sensitive view of the men who make it all happen)
It was midway through the season
we were just outside the four
and although I know we won it
I can’t recall the score.
But there’s one thing I remember
and to me it says a lot
about the men who front the scrum –
the men we call “the props”.
We won a lineout near half way
the backs went on a run
the flankers quickly ripped the ball
and second phase was won.
Another back then crashed it up
and drove towards the line
another maul was duly set
to attack it one more time.
The forwards pushed and rolled that maul
They got the tough set the ball up to a tee
the last man in played tight head prop
and wore the number “3”
The ball was pushed in to his hands
he held it like a beer
then simply dropped to score the try –
his first in 15 years.
Then later, once the game was done
he sat amidst his team
he led the song and called himself
the try scoring machine.
But it wasn’t till the night wore on
that the truth was finally told
just two beers in, he’d scored the try
and also kicked the goal.
At 6 o’clock the try was scored
by barging through their pack
he carried two men as he scored
while stepping ’round a back.
By seven he’d run twenty yards
out sprinting their quick men
then beat the last line of defence
with a “Jonah Lomu” fend.
By eight he’d run from near half way
and thrown a cut out pass
then looped around and run again
no-one was in his class.
By nine he’d run from end to end
his teammates stood in awe
he chipped and caught it on the full
then swan dived as he scored.
By ten he’d drunk a dozen beers
but still his eyes did glisten
as he told the story of “that try”
to anyone who’d listen.
His chest filled up, as he spoke,
his voice was filled with pride
he felt for sure he would be named
the captain of that side.
By nights end he was by himself
still talking on his own
the club was shut, the lights were out
his mates had all gone home.
And that’s why I love my front row –
they simply never stop
and why I always lend an ear
when a try’s scored by a prop
A Prop’s Testimony to a Back
Son, in this world there are scrums. And in those scrums you need props. Are you willing to do it? As a prop, I have more responsibility than you can ever fathom. You use words like “drunk” and “out of shape”; those words are the very backbone of a life I spent drinking and partying in, and you use them as a punch line. You weep for your wings and centers, and curse the prop forward. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of knowing that the front row, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, wins these games you play. Truth? You can’t handle the truth, because deep down in places you don’t talk about in your selection meetings, you want me in that scrum; you need me in that scrum. I neither have the time nor inclination to explain myself to a back who scores on the very blanket of ball retention that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just bought me a beer and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you crawl into that scrum and get dirty. Either way, I don’t give a damn who you think is responsible.
Other nation’s versions of the Haka
Seeing how the All Blacks were motivated by performing “The Haka” before their world cup games, the other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own.
The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles for a while before moaning about how they invented the game, and gave it to the world, and how it’s not fair that everyone can beat them now.
The Scotland team will chant “You lookin’ at me Jimmy?” before smashing an Irn Bru bottle over their opponents heads.
The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.
The Welsh suggestion has been vetoed by the RSPCA.
Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own “Las In-Goals-Areas” and then be forcibly removed by the Stewards.
Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other thirteen whom they will coral between the posts while they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.
The Americans will not be there until half time. In future years they will alter the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called “Saving No8 Lyle”.
Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the side to ransom.
The Italian team will arrive in cars shaped like red dildos, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.
The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then claim that it was all in line with the European “grass quotas”. They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time.
The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park trucks across the halfway line, let sheep lose in the opposition half and burn the officials.
The Australians will have a bar-b-que before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush before beating up all the women on the touchline.
Haven’t laughed that hard since we put the boots to that little shit who kept collapsing the scrums in Santa Cruz!
Festers give rugby a good name
We received the following by email shortly after Maggotfest 2003. Thanks to the Canucks involved for aiding a damsel in distress, and for keeping up rugby’s good reputation in Missoula.
“I wanted to pass on a thank you to the Canadian Rugby team who helped me out on Saturday. I have no way of knowing how to get in touch with them but thought the Maggots might pass this on.
My Suburban died in the Sentinel High School Parking lot on Saturday, May 4. (I was waiting for my son to return from a track meet.) I got out to tell the driver in the mini van behind me that he would have to go around me as I had no power steering. Imagine my surprise when 8 big rugby players piled out of the mini-van. Next thing I know, the hood is up, one of the guys is in the driver’s seat and they have the broken fly wheel and belt off. They managed to push the Suburban back into a parking space (I only heard one complaint of “Jeez, it has to be a f—ing Suburban!!”) and that was that. Oh, one player did ask for a kiss, which he got! And one player commented, after I thanked them profusely, “No problem, we Canadians are always glad to help…..except we won’t invade a foreign country for you!”
It was truly great to have those guys help me out. I was very impressed with their friendliness and overall helpfulness and wanted to let someone know! Thank you “
The Missing Leprechaun:
A popular Missoula family restaurant called Trenary’s, was the scene of a crime of the most heinous nature at last years Fest. The culprits and criminals: the Red Deer Titans of Cheese Head Land, who are too chicken to show their face at this year’s Fest. The poor defenseless victim: A large and portly wooden Leprechaun. You see, this Leprechaun would frequent this fine Irish Restaurant and Pub, but he picked a bad night to end up in the path of the marauding Titans. These crafty and ruthless thugs somehow spirited the poor chap away against his will and without anyone noticing until it was too late, they took him home to their crude and savage land. When the Trenary’s staff noticed the charming little fellow had failed to show at his usual spot, they became alarmed. Those nasty Maggot Festers must be responsible. So they turned to who else, but the valiant Maggots themselves. We turned to Tom “The Sleuth” France, who is a renowned tracker of villains and Maggot Attorney (every rugby club needs an attorney!). With all the wit and determination he could muster, and a few well-placed phone calls, the trail began to grow warmer. Once the treacherous outlaws had been identified, it was then the job of Lance “The Hatchet” Osler to retrieve the poor lad. He drove to Red Deer and faced down the quivering punks, and got them to spill their guts. The poor dwarf had been on tour with the Titans to the steps of the Cheesy capital in Ottawa and even to the Eiffel Tower (France, duh!)! The Hatchet made them drink for their sins and returned the Leprechaun to the Maggot “El Presidente por la vida” Otto, which was then hand delivered to Trenarys. The staff were very relieved to see that their pal the Leprechaun was returned unharmed and was glad to have him in his regular spot again.